


To The One Who Made My Heart Lighter

by felix_8felicis



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Birthday Presents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, JYPnation, Mentioned GOT7 Ensemble, Mentioned TWICE Ensemble, This is Way Longer Than Planned, happy tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:13:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felix_8felicis/pseuds/felix_8felicis
Summary: Inspired from that "Two Kids Room+1" where Felix said that he doesn't know what gift to give Chan to pay back for everything he has done for him and the team.or Felix just wants to give Chan a gift that isgood enough.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix, No Romantic Relationship(s), Platonic Relationship(s)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 324





	To The One Who Made My Heart Lighter

Felix stares at the sea of colors in front of him, eyebrows frowned.

Bleu, Red, Yellow, Purple, Green…

So many of them that it makes his eyes sting.

There’s also all kind of clothes, hung in their hangers; short sleeves, long pants, ripped shirts, heavy coats…

And he could go on and on.

Felix closes his eyes and sigh. He turns around and loses his fingers in the mess that is his hair. He forces his eyes open and moves toward the section of the darker clothes. Official schedules excluded, Chan wore nothing but black, and Felix will be damned if he let himself feed the dark abyss that is his hyung’s closet.

With yet another heavy sigh, he turns around, pulls his black mask higher on his red cheeks and steps out unto the coldness of the fresh awakening night. He walks down the street, giving up for today.

His feet are heavy as he drags them to follow his movements.

The young Australian boy had spent the whole day, no scratch that, _weeks_ , torturing his brain unto finding a gift for Chan. It had already been far too many years spent together, too many wasted birthdays with no gift given to his hyung, to his leader. This year, he was determiner, he would get something for him. Something big. He was getting tired of fighting in convenient stores to let him pay for him. To try to pay back everything Chan had done for him, for the team. The mountain of his gratitude toward the older was getting too high and he needed to get something for him. To show how thankful he was to every single thing Chan had done for Stray Kids, _for_ _him_ , something Chan was obviously lacking to see.

Felix sighs again, biting his lower lip. How could he repay years of sleepless nights and sacrifices? Of course, he couldn’t. Yet, a piece of clothes seemed too small and meaningless as a gift. If he brought him a jewelry, he knew his hyung would worry about the price and would try to pay him back. Maybe he could ask Changbin and Han for something music related, maybe a program or instrument Chan would like to receive and who would make his long hours of producing easier. But Felix didn’t want to give him something who would remind him of all the responsibility he holds inside the group. It was like giving a student a textbook as a gift. No, Felix wanted something who would help him escape, something who would relieve some stress off his heart. Then, maybe a video game would do the job. But Chan was too busy on a daily basis to really use and enjoy something like that.

A growl scratches his throat. It would really be easier if Chan for once told him what he wanted to receive. But he already knows his answer. _“I don’t have a birthday. I don’t want anything.”_ And Felix is sure that he is going to rip his hair off if he hears that response one more time.

He forces his attention out of his head, and he pushes the door of the apartment open after he types in the code. The door makes a joyful _bip_ as it lets Felix in, as if happy to welcome another member in its warmth.

Felix kicks in his shoes, already tearing his coat off, a wave of heat climbs up his neck. “I’m home” he mumbles, his socks sliding in the soft and clean floor.

“Oy Felix, we are going to order some late-night snacks. You want?” Changbin says in an almost perfect English accent. His words are clear and understandable. Felix lifts his eyes and he stops walking. The older rapper is sitting on the floor in the living room, Minho and Hyunjin in front of him, attention on an order fly. “It’s better to say, _‘Do you want something?’_ instead hyung. And no thanks I’m good”

Changbin’s nods and Felix leaves him whispering under his breathe, trying the new English sentence on his tongue.

His shared room with the latter is empty and Felix quickly changes unto more comfortable clothes, throwing a bright yellow hoodie over his head. He grabs his phone where he had thrown it on his bed and heads outside again. He meets Jisung and Jeongin in the kitchen, discussing over a bowl of cereal. “Isn’t it too late for that?” he asks and Jisung looks offended for a moment. “No hour of the day is too late for any type of food Lix. Who decided that cereals should only be ate in the morning anyway?” Jeongin giggles from where he’s sitting opposite of Jisung and Felix scoffs, shoulder pressed against the doorway. “Where’s Chan hyung?” he tries to sound casual, but his heartbeats are already quickening as he knows the answer.

“In the company. He said that he still has a lot of things to do and not to wait for him. Seungmin is there too, he wanted to go live before he heads back” 

Felix nods and sighs again. He crosses the kitchen and opens the balcony. “I’m gonna take some fresh air” he doesn’t wait for anyone’s answer, but he can hear Jeongin comment about how he just came back from outside when he slowly closes the glass behind him.

He moves closer to the edge, observing the world under him. The streets are relatively empty, which is no surprise due to the quarantine and therefore, curfew. There’s a father holding his daughter’s small hand, a chocolate bar is tightly pressed against her chest. An old woman is walking slowly, her head slightly titled to the sky to take in the beauty of the night and Felix wonders for a second how many stars she had seen throughout her life, how many shone above her head, happy to have been noticed and looked at. A boy passes under his balcony in his bike like lightening, and he has already disappeared around the corner when Felix turns his eyes to follow him. He wonders if that’ll be the only time the stranger crosses his life, a couple of seconds in a cold autumn night.

Felix takes a deep breath in, the freezing air freshening his burning lungs. He takes a few cautious steps back until his back is pressed against the glass, further toward the left as not to be seen by his members inside the house.

His back slides down and he carefully let his legs unbuckle under him as he sits on the gravel ground. He pulls his phone under his eyes and call a number.

The phone rings three times, like it always does, before his mom picks up.

_“Hey baby”_

He softly smiles. “Hey mom”

_“It’s unusual to hear from you at this hour. Is everything alright?”_

There’s a scoffed laugh between parted lips. “I just wanted to hear your voice”

 _“Hmm”_ his mom hums behind the phone and he can’t decide if it’s because she believes him or not _. “How was your day? They didn’t make you work too hard, did they? With everything that’s going on…”_

“We’ve just been practicing and recording. We’re supposed to have a comeback soon, but they haven’t decided the best time yet. Maybe somewhere around June or July.” He runs his free hand in his hair. “ How is everyone? Dad? Rachel and Olivia? You?”

He hears his mom sigh. _“Everyone is alright. Locked at home, bored and bickering more often than not. We’re all worried about you. You are all alone there and-”_

“I’m not alone mom” he stops her before she could go on. “I’m with the members. The managers and staff are all really taking good care of us like if we are their own children. Stop worrying” 

His mom hums again and its silent for a couple of seconds. _“It really puts me at ease knowing that Chan is with you. That you are there for each other. I talked with his mom yesterday and his family are also really worried about him.”_

There’s a weight added on his heart and his guilt spikes. “Yeah about Chan hyung….”

_“So there was a reason for you calling me. Did you guys fight?”_

“No no nothing like that.” Felix takes a breath in and it comes out in a fog. “It’s his birthday soon. I want to get him something meaningful. After everything that he has done for me… Everything pales in comparison.” He looks down at his hand who is fidgeting with his hoodie.

_“So you are worrying on what to get him. My sweet kind Lixie, I’m sure Chan will love whatever you get him”_

He bits his lower lip, frustration playing with the stings of his heart. “No he won’t. He will pretend that he does but he will feel burdened and will want to pay it back. Which I don’t want him to do. I just-” he sighs, and it feels like the hundredth time today alone. “I don’t know.” There’s a silence on the other side of the phone and he takes that as his cue to continue. “I feel like I’m back to a kid, asking you repeatedly to tell me what you want for your birthday or for Mother’s Day… And you would always answer the same way; _‘As long as you’re nice and happy.’”_

His mom giggles and it tears a smile from his lips. “ _Yeah I did. And you would make those beautiful cards for me. They made me the happiest Felix, more than anything you would have brought me”_

“They were horribly made. I don’t know what you loved in them. Why you even still have them.”

“ _Because they were made by you. Because you worked hard on them thinking about me. They came right from your heart and not from an industry or a shop. That’s what make them so special._ ” He hears her breathe out and he knows without seeing her that she was blinking back the tears. When she speaks again, her voice is steadier. “ _Maybe that’s what Chan wants. Something from the heart. Rather than buying him stuff, maybe you should talk to him and tell him what he means to you and how grateful you are to everything he does. Tell him that he is loved and appreciated._ ”

“I think you just gave me an idea” Felix says, his eyes wide. “Mom you’re a genius”

“ _Remember Lixie, sometimes, words speak louder than actions_ ”

\--

The small practice room is too hot, suddenly too small when his muscles starts aching. Felix allows his back to fall against the back of his rolling chair. He runs a hand in his purple hair and he softly curse when the glue on the tips of his fingers sticks to some stands of his dyed hair. 

The only strength he manages to pull is to glare at the photo album innocently laying on the small desk. He had worked the whole night on it, had woken up two hours earlier than usual and immediately ran here after vocal lessons, all in the hope to do it properly and finish it in time. It had taken a lot of collecting pictures from the members and staff, to the point of harassment if he is honest with himself, only so he could run to the closest shop to print them. Then it had taken to actually pick a photo album that would satisfy him and all the colorful pencils, glues, stickers and multiple decorations to personalize it.

Really it had been an exhausting week, but he could finally start to see the end of the road. _Almost_.

The photo album is covered by a smooth dark leather. In the middle of it, in big bold golden ink is written: _To the one who made my heart lighter._ The back of the album is bright yellow, contrasting with the blackness of the first cover.

Felix straighten himself back up and carefully opens it, coming face to face with a picture of the eight of them. They are smiling brightly, an honest and genuine smile, not the stiff and fabricated one they forced out when it was demanded of them. It was taken during their first concert and the eight of them were standing next to each other on stage, light illuminating their faces. They were all looking at Stays with stars in their eyes, a look of wonder and proudness. Under the picture, in the same golden ink on dark pages, is written “ _To Bang Chan hyung, the one who allowed us to stand on that stage, on the one who came before it, and all the ones who will follow_.”

His eyes tear up and he rapidly blinks. Felix scoffs. He was the one who made the album, why was he getting emotional now?

The picture on the next page was taken during the same day. Chan had them wrapped around his long arms, tightly pressed in a small circle, heads toward the ground.

_“Thank you for choosing each one of us, for putting us together and forming this beautiful family we are today”_

A sudden knock on the door makes his eyes suddenly lift up. He hastily closes the album, heartbeats quickening. He exhales a relieved breath when his eyes meet Seungmin and IN, and Felix smiles and encourages them to come in.

“What are you doing?” Seungmin asks as soon as he is past the door, Jeongin following behind him slowly. Both stares at the book on the desk and suddenly, it’s _too_ big and _too_ black and _too_ apparent. Felix’s shoulders tense and he fights the urge to grab it and hide it in his arms. “Me? Hmm just working on some stuff”

“Some stuff being this super top-secret project you’ve been hiding from us?” Seungmin says, head lowering to inspect the album. Felix can’t help himself from grabbing it and pulling it against his chest. “It’s not- It’s not secret. I haven’t been hiding it from you guys. It’s just-” he doesn’t find the right words and it gets hard to hold Seungmin’s accusing stare.

“Just something you obviously have spent a long time and energy on but can’t share with us” Jeongin finishes, now standing at his left. He has his hand on his shoulder and Felix feels the disappointment weighting him down. He feels cornered.

The album is suddenly too heavy in his hands and with a sigh signaling that he is giving up, Felix throws the album on the desk in front of his members’ curious gaze. “Okey you win”

Seungmin and IN both comically throw themselves at the book but the younger boy grabs it first. “ _Finally_. We were wondering when you would finally give in” Seungmin says, now standing behind Jeongin, his eyes thrown over his shoulder. “Did you make this yourself? What is it?”

Felix stares at them for a moment as they carefully turn the pages. He’s too anxious and anticipating their responses to be able to keep his eyes fixed. He looks away at the wall in front of him, his arms folded against his chest. “It’s hyung’s birthday soon.” Seungmin and IN lifts their eyes toward him. He glances at them before he looks away. “I know it’s not much at all and not that good, but I didn’t know what to buy him that would really make him happy and I thought maybe something handmade would be better but-” a frustrated breath puffs out of his lungs. His head is low, and he runs both of his hands in his hair. “I don’t know anymore”

“Lix it’s absolutely gorgeous” Felix lifts his eyes toward them, expression full of expectations. “Really?”

“Yeah” Jeongin’s eyes are teary and he scoffs when he brings his hand to them. “Aahh it almost made me cry” Seungmin’s nods, his attention stuck on the now closed album. “It really makes you realize everything Chan hyung has done for us. You really portrayed it well Lixie”

Felix’s smile is wide on his lips and his heart feels lighter. “Thank you. I’m not done yet though. There’s still something I need to do”

“Really?” Jeongin questions as he gives him back the book. “It looks pretty done”

“It’s something else, and I need the members help, minus Channie-hyung, for the next part.” The young Australian carefully hides the photo album in his black bag and stands up. “I’ll tell you guys at the dorm tonight. Let’s go we’re going to be late”

The two vocalists nod simultaneously as they stand up.

It takes only a couple of minutes to get to the dance practice room. And they aren’t late, actually, they are15 minutes earlier than usual, but it feels like they are. The moment they three pass the door, the tension inside the room immediately hits them like a rock falling on their heads.

Chan is standing by the computer, already sitting up the song. Changbin and Jisung are stretching in front of the mirror, expression hard and stiff. Hyunjin and Minho are by the couch, packing away their stuff to get ready. Everyone is silent. Too silent for it to be mistaken by anything other than unusual and awkward.

Felix quietly approaches the couch and puts his bag beside Hyunjin’s. Their eyes meet for a moment before Hyunjin throws a glance to Seungmin. It feels like a silent question is asked to the older but Hyunjin only shakes his head before his eyes turns around to the middle of the room. Felix follows his gaze and he notices that Jisung had stopped stretching and is looking at the three of them. His head gestures to their leader’s back still by the computer, and he slashes his throat with his hand.

Yeah. It was clear now. Chan is angry. Mad. Annoyed. Frustrated. Whatever you call it. 

“We’ll start with Hellevator and we’ll do all the title tracks up until Levanter. After that, we’ll run the new song twice” Chan commands, his voice stern and emotionless. Felix tries to suppress a sigh of annoyance. Whoever had angered their leader had just made today’s practice _hell_. _Thank you very much_.

“Understood” Felix chimers with everyone, stretching before he gets in position for their pre-debut title track.

Everyone is holding up fine until _My Pace_ , but just as the last notes vibrates in the room and _I am You_ immediately starts playing after it, Felix’s lungs start burning. Hellevator was tiring sure, but they were still all filled with energy. District9 was hell, as it always had been. They would usually lessen the energy and power they gave when the chorus hits as not to unnecessarily drain their stamina, but with today’s mood, it felt like they would get in trouble if they gave any less. With My Pace coming right after, it was like having your blood sucked.

“5 minutes break.” Chan screams as he turns off _I am You_ before the songs really starts playing. He glares down at the rest of the members sprawled on the floor, chest heaving and sweat pearling their foreheads. “We just went through three songs. THREE. It’s not normal for you all to be _this_ tired. What happens if an award show offers us to perform three songs? What are we gonna do? Say _no_ because we can’t dance that long? I didn’t even ask you guys to sing or rap for god’s sake” his voice is even, only having screamed once, but his words weight.

The door slams shut behind him and there’s a tense silence before Jisung lets escape an exasperated sigh, his hands giving up under him and his back falls on the floor.

“What the hell happened with him?” Felix turns his head towards Minho whose eyebrows are frowned, and he looks annoyed. The younger dancer bits his tongue inside his mouth and let his head fall against the mirror behind him where he’s sitting on the floor.

“The meeting went bad _BAD_.” Jisung says, and the rest five members waits for his explanation impatiently. Changbin hasn’t uttered a word since the beginning of the practice. “Everything was supposed to be done. The recording had gone well, the arrangements as well, 3racha reached the deadline for _every single damn_ song on time, and we were just waiting for JYP’s final okay. He started listening to the songs and he just-” Jisung’s voice breaks and he sighs. “Song after song, he talked crap about _every single one_. He didn’t even finish listening to a single one of them before he passed to the other. He _humiliated_ Chan hyung in front of all the producers present, treating him like a _fucking_ kid. It was just- so hard to sit there, listening and not being able to do anything as he single handedly _destroyed_ hours and hours of hard work and sleepless nights with mere words.”

Felix can hear his heartbeat furiously resonate in his ears and it physically hurts to breathe.

“Why would he do something like that? He always loved you guy’s work. After two years and 7 albums made with no complaints from his part why now?” Seungmin’s tone is angry but he keeps his voice above a whisper.

“After JYP stormed out, Division 1 director said not to mind what he said, that something personal happened with him and that what made him overly sensitive today.” Changbin mumbles, still not looking at any of them

“Why does his personal matters have to-”

The door suddenly opens, and everyone abruptly stop talking.

Chan calls them back to position, and Felix has only the time to glurp down some water before he is standing in place for _I Am You._

Five minutes is far too little for any of them to really recover some strength, so the four following songs are purely exhausting. Felix doesn’t think that he has ever felt this drained. There’s a stain deep down in his bones, in his muscles, _heck_ in his soul. The edge of his vision darkens, and he has to put his head against the fogged mirror to prevent from falling. The cool surface is soothing on his sweat pearled forehead and he almost miss Minho’s words.  
  
“15 minutes break” he calls before Chan has the reckless idea to scold them and give them five minutes again. It was true that Chan had taken control of this particular practice, but Minho was still the dance leader, and therefore, the oldest can’t really say anything about his decision. 

But fifteen minutes pass by far too quickly when you try desperately to hold unto each running second and they are soon called back. Running through the new song is obviously way harder than the oldest songs. It requires all their focus and energy, and they currently have neither. Two runs should have taken at the most 5 minutes given the fact that the song was only 2’48 long. But the minutes stretch on and on as mistakes multiplicate and it gets harder and harder to not give in the temptation to fall down on the floor and curl up unto a ball.

However, everything has an end, even the longest of the nights, and Chan finally calls it a day.

Usually, it takes another good thirty minutes before everyone pulls themselves up from the floor and drag their aching feet to the door. But today is not the case. It seems like everyone is running to get out of the room. It may be because of the heavy suffocating tension still coating the air. It may be because of how tiresome the practice was. Whatever it is, in barely five minutes, everyone is out the door.

Felix watches from where he’s still sitting on the floor as Minho lets the door closes behind him. There’s only him and Chan left in the room. The leader’s movements are slow, and he is not scrambling to get out. On the contrary, it feels like he is trying to stretch on the time before he has to leave, and it feels like he has something to say even if he doesn’t utter a word. His back is facing Felix and the younger Australian can’t help thinking that he looks… _sad_.

Yeah… he looks distraught.

Felix’s heart is beating too fast in his throat and his chest stings too much to find any courage to speak first. And maybe it’s not because of the practice.

“Hmm” Chan hesitantly turns toward him, his hoodie in his hands. “Aren’t you coming?” He lifts his eyes toward him, and Felix can’t help looking down. “No, I- I’ll just clean up a bit before.” He looks back up, but Chan is not looking at him anymore. He simply awkwardly nods before he is out, leaving the younger alone.

Felix’s back falls down on the floor, his eyes stuck to the ceiling.

_What a great day._

A heavy sigh resonate in the empty room before Felix stands back up on his legs. They are shaking but he keeps walking. There’s a small closet in one of the corners, filled with all the cleaning supplies. The floor is dirtier than anything else in the room, so that’s where Felix starts. He usually turns on some music but today, he enjoys the silence far more. The vibration of the fan in the ceiling. The occasional sound of people passing by the practice room’s door. The electricity running in the lights, making it glitch from time to time. The bird outside the window, knocking his beak against the glass, looking down at Felix; _I have wings and I can fly wherever I want_ , it seems to be saying. His feet against the floor. The wet whip doing its best to remove all the stains the members left behind. It’s an appeasing kind of silence, and he is thankful for the way it slips in his mind and ease the aching and sourness in his muscles.

Then, it’s the mirror’s turn and when it’s spotless, it’s time to whip the dust away and disinfect the laptop and the whole music engine.

It’s draining but it’s also calming and the tension in Felix’s shoulders had left by the time he’s done. He’s spraying some parfum in the air when the door suddenly opens. The young dancer is not expecting anyone, the sun is sitting down and after today one-of-a-kind practice, most of the members should already be home.

“Hmm… Hi?” a female voice speaks, and Felix recognizes the voice before his eyes meets Mina.

Felix is stocked in place, but Mina smiles shyly when she sees him, entering the practice room followed by Jihyo, Jeongyeon and Nayeon.

Nayeon’s smile widens on her lips when she approaches him. “Felix! How have you been?”

“G-Good thank you.” He internally screams at himself for stuttering. He is sweaty and exhausted since he woke up at 5 this morning and probably look like an absolute disaster. Why was all the bad luck was against him today? “How are sunbae-nim doing?”

Jihyo, who is standing behind Nayeon with Jeongyeon and Mina, nods her head. “Ayy, we told you not to call us that when we’re not in camera. Noona is fine.” She looks around the room and stretches. “Are you using the room? We need to practice for a unit stage, but the other girls are already practicing in our practice room.”

“We were told Stray Kids must already be done with their group practice. We can borrow the room, right?” Jeongyeon asks, putting her bag on the floor.

“Yeah yeah sure. I was just done cleaning behind us.”

The four girls nod and thrown in a thanks before they pass Felix and go toward the couch to put in their stuff.

Felix is biting his lower lip, his back to the Twice members and his face facing the door. There’s an internal fight occurring inside his brain before Jisung’s voice resonate in his head.

_‘He **humiliated** Chan hyung in front of all the producers present, treating him like a **fucking** kid. It was just- so hard to sit there, listening and not being able to do anything as he single handedly **destroyed** hours and hours of hard work and sleepless nights with mere words’_

Anxiety can be damned, Felix thinks before he abruptly turns around.

“Sunba- I mean Noona. Can I ask a favor?” He tries to hold their surprise stare as he continues. “I know you are busy, and you can totally say no, but-” he exhales. “This is really important for me.”

Nayeon has her eyebrows held high for a moment before a big grin shows up and her face brighten. “Sure Felix, you can ask us anything. We will try our best to help, whatever it is.”

Felix takes in a deep breath. “I- It’s not that I need help. It’s just- It’s Channi-hyung’s birthday soon, and I wanted to surprise him with something I made myself.” The four girls slowly approach him, and he can’t hold their curious stare any longer. He looks down at the floor he polished minutes ago. Or was it hours ago? How much time had passed after the members left? He couldn’t really tell. “Chan hyung is always so- so selfless. So sacrificial. He always takes such good care of us and puts everyone before himself. And we don’t always have the occasion to tell him- show him- how grateful we are for having him.” He looks up at Nayeon and it’s embarrassing to be barely able to hold back the tears in his eyes and be so stinky from hours of practice, but he can’t help it. He can’t help the fire burning in his chest. “So I thought that it may be a good idea to reminds him how many people are here for him and how loved and cared for he is. Not just from us his members but-his- his friends and- and staff and-” he is rambling and stuttering on the edges and he wants to bury himself right now.

“You want us to send him a video message, right? For his birthday?” Mina’s voice makes his head snaps up and he has never been this thankful for someone understanding him before.

“Y-Yes I- I have” he is stuttering and rambling again, and his hands are shaking when he pulls his bag out of his back and shuffles to pull out a crumbled piece of paper. “I wrote some questions you can answer too. It-It short, it won’t take long”

“Felix, this is the sweetest, most heart-warming thing I ever heard” Nayeon says. She closes the small distance that was still separating her from him and takes the paper from his hand. “Let see, girls listen up”

Felix steps back when Mina, Jihyo and Jeongyeon moves closer to read the paper. “ _Start the video with a greating to Channie hyung_. Cute. _First impression of hyung or/and longest memory you have of him_. _Something hyung has done or said that made your heart feels lighter. Finish with a birthday greeting._ ” Nayeon reads, her smile never leaving her. “This is literally so cute I’m gonna die from cuteness overload.”  
  
“Yah, why have we never thought of doing this before? When we were their age, we used to buy each other dinner in a convenient store for each other’s birthday.” Jeongyeon says, her arms folded on her chest.

Jihyo takes a step away from them to stand besides Felix. “Channi is such a lucky leader to have members like Felix.” She wraps an arm around the boy’s shoulders and Felix curse at himself again for not showering before speaking to them. His cheeks are bright red. “I’m envious of him. You girls should treat your leader better. Meaning ME.”

Nayeon giggles with the rest before one of her eyebrows raise again. “Did you ask any other group in the company about this? Will you? Or are we the first?”

“Noona are the first” he mumbles, still wrapped under Jihyo’s arm. Nayeon seems to brighten even more at his words. An evil grin spreads on her face. “You have your camera to film us with you right?”

Felix nods, taking the occasion to close his bag and pull it back on his shoulder.

“Great. Follow me” she says, grabbing Felix’s wrist and starting to drag him out of the room.

The younger idol is so stunned that he lets himself be pulled out of the room. Not that he would have shown any resistance in any other situation.

“Wait- where are you going?” Jeongyeon calls before they follow her.

Just when Felix starts thinking that she may be kicking him out because he was too annoying, she pulls him down the hallway, kicking open the door of the resting area down the hall.

Nayeon finally lets go of his hand, and when she moves aside, he can finally see who’s in the room. It’s Bambam, Jaebum, Jackson, Mark, Jae and YoungK. They are looking at them with wide surprised eyes. Nayeon had _literally_ kicked the door open. With her right foot. Making the door loudly smash against the wall and Bambam choking on his noodles.

“Guys. We’re making Bang Chan _cry_.”

\---

It’s tiring.

Chan has always found his birthdays tiring.

He was never one to like receiving too much attention. Being the center of so much affection and love always made him shy of course, but also _giddy_ inside.

It makes him feel like he doesn’t deserve all the love and extra care. And it’s not just a feeling, he _knows_ that he doesn’t deserve it. Isn’t worth of it.

Sometimes, he wonders when it all started? When his birthday started being so mentally draining? When he started lying on the date _just_ to avoid it? Sometimes, he thinks he knows. Some other days, he thinks he doesn’t.

Chan knows that it’s not normal. That everyone else enjoys their birthday and being the center of attention and affection for a whole day. That him trying to avoid this dreadful 3rdof October so much is not normal. But he can’t find in himself the strength to enjoy it. It’s just- uncomfortable and he feels like crying each hour of that day.

But he thinks he has gotten better. Seeing the love he receives from hundreds of people all around the world feels good when he had been scared that it would be burdensome. These people, no- Stays, don’t expect anything from him. They do so much and genuinely get so excited and happy when it’s his birthday. The 3rd of October wasn’t anymore just a day where he was _expected_ to be happy _and_ cheerful _and_ excited _and_ grateful. It had become a day for him _and_ for stays. A day he knew would make them so excited to show him how much they love him and to see him in vlive with the rest of the members.

But sometimes, he still hears the voices whisper in his head in a worrisome exact replication.

_“Argh… it’s his birthday again… What should I give him? It is okey if I don’t buy him anything right? It’s so annoying…”_

_“I wasted my so dear saved money and precious time for this gift. He better likes it and be fucking grateful.”_

_“I know he is the oldest trainee here… But do we really have to do all of this for his birthday? He is so arrogant.”_

_“Yah- shut up. If you want to be on his good side and debut, you better do anything to gain his trust. Wait- when’s his birthday again?”_

Chan turns the volume in his airpods higher, desperately traying to turn the memories off. He knows his members, family and friends aren’t like that. He knows stays aren’t like that. He knows that sometimes, he wants to skip his birthday not because of the voices of the past but just to not give everyone extra work. To not be an added worry on top of their busy schedule, to not make his members waste their money on buying him something. But he can’t help the overwhelming thoughts. He is getting better he knows that. He is starting to genuinely like his birthday more and more every year passed with Stray Kids and Stays. And that’s for now all he needs to focus on.

It’s actually his birthday today. They have been really busy, but the members and staff still found the time to give him a cake. They went on vlive, sadly not for long, but still enough so he could thank all the fans for the hundreds of birthdays wishes he had received every single minute all day long. Jisung had whined when he told the members that he needed to head to the studio before coming back home. It was his birthday after all, he couldn’t spend it working overnight. Or so the younger had said. But honestly, Chan didn’t care. Work does not wait for you just because it happens to be a special day.

Chan stops in his walk when a message makes the music in his ears come to a halt.

_Jihyo: “Did you see the video?? I really CRIED while filming it. I looked ugly but oh well :(”_

Pushing the door of their dorm open, Chan frowns. What video?

He kicks his shoes by the door. The hallway’s light is turned off, but the living room’s and kitchen’s ones are still turned on. The dorm is silent, the clock reading _4:37am_. Chan is taking a step forward when he suddenly trips on something, his eyes still focused on his phone’s screen.

There’s an arrow on the floor.

Not _literally_ an arrow, but one drawn on a piece of paper glued on the floor. On top of it, a peach juice, the one he usually buys at the company. Chan frowns, bending down to grab it. But just as he’s about to stand back up, another arrow with another juice box catches his attention, this time, the arrow slightly pointing toward the right. Chan scoffs, moving forward to grab it.

What was he now, a dog?

Well, berry would be too smart to follow mysterious arrows vulgarly scotched on the floor with small prices.

He actually feels more like those stupid mafia in the movie _‘Home Alone’_.

Chan is too tired to fight the temptation, so he follows the arrows, filling his arms with random gifts collected along the way; small boxes of juice, the big sized watermelon shake he recently found a liking too, a face mask, and even airpods! His had died and he was just about to buy new ones. Whoever his kidnapper is, he for sure knows him well.

The last arrow is golden, and there’s a black book facing it. Chan slowly sits on the living room’s floor where he currently is now. The TV is right in front of him.

The black book happens to be a photo album. Chan slowly lifts it on his lap. The front cover is black with a golden writing on the cover: _To the one who made my heart lighter._

He opens the book and on the first page, is a picture of the eight of them. It was taken during their first concert, he notices. They are smiling brightly, and Chan remembers that they were all trying really hard not to cry. Bellow the picture, is written “ _To Bang Chan hyung, the one who allowed us to stand on that stage, on the one who came before it, and all the ones who will follow_.”

Chan’s mouth opens in surprise, as if to find the words to explain his shock. He thought it was just something one of the members forgot to pick up, but it’s actually meant for him?

He turns the page again, and it’s another picture, taken on the same day. Chan’s back is facing the camera, his arms wrapped around the members. They are standing in a circle, heads staring at the ground. _“Thank you for choosing each one of us, for putting us together and forming this beautiful family we are today”_ Chan remembers what he was telling them in this picture. “I love you guys so much” he had said in a teary voice, hoping they could understand all the things he couldn’t find the words to express them in. 

The next picture is one with him, Minho and Felix. He has them wrapped in his arms; his mouth open in a now silent scream. It was the day JYP had announced that they would debut together. Chan lifts his eyes to the ceiling, threatening his tears not to fall. _I never got to tell you, but Hyung, sorry for being the cause of so much worry and tears. Thank you for not leaving me behind._

He turns the page before the tears can fall. The golden writing is this time on the top. _Thank you for all the hours and sleepless nights of producing and recording. Thank you for being our anchor._ Felix is standing in the recording booth, Chan’s back is facing the camera, and it looks like he’s giving him instructions on the speaker behind the glass.

 _Thank you for making us laugh and always being there to comfort us._ Jisung and Changbin are standing on either side of Chan, laughing loudly at something the leader is telling them, big hand movements and funny grimaces on his face.

 _Thank you for being like a parent to us when we are all so far away from home._ Chan is in a car. The picture was taken during the shooting of Miroh. It was cold at night and everyone was exhausted. He is gently putting his own coat on Jeongin’s sleeping body, leaving himself with a sleeveless shirt in the freezing night. 

_Thank you for all the gifts you give us on daily basic, whatever its pricey airpods to members who always **constantly** loses theirs, or if it seems as simple as a smile clearing the fog. _The golden writing, Chan now recognizes as Felix’s, is displayed in the middle of two pages. On the left page, is Hyunjin and Jeongin smiling brightly as Chan hands them each a pair of airpods. On the right page, is a picture way older. It’s from debut, during one of their first airport appearance. Chan is standing in front of Jeongin, in the middle of a crowd of fans and reporters. The leader is making weird funny faces to the youngest who offers a bright smile. Chan remembers that that day, Jeongin had looked really worried, and he had tried his best to cheer the youngest, even if the only thing he could do at that current time was to offer silly grimaces.

Chan didn’t really realize when he had started crying, but his tears are now so heavy that his vision is blurred, and he has to whip his eyes repeatedly. When he turns the page, he realizes that it had been the last picture. In the last cover, right before closing the album, is a bright golden flash drive scotched on the cover. _Play me_ , it reads.

A laptop is already connected to the TV, Chan notices only now. There’s also a box of tissue, with a black ink on it that says, “ _You might need it_ ”. He scoffs and take one to whip at his teary eyes. He then plugs the drive and finds a video titled “ _To the one who made my heart lighter.”_ There’s also a file titled _“Unedited version. Open later.”_

He clicks on the video and it immediately starts playing in the TV screen. Chan brings his knees to his chest, his arms wrapping around them, like if to protect himself for what’s coming next.

_“I was the first trainee that met Channi.”_ The voice on the black screen says. _“I don’t really remember but he said that I was the one who opened the dorm’s door when he first came with his mom.”_ He scoffs and Chan finally recognizes the voice as being BTOB’s Peniel. It was from a radio show he remembers hearing back when they were still in their USA tour _. “He said I was in a boxer. I think I traumatized him and his mom. Channi, Hyung is sorry.”_ There’s another laugh, one Chan imitates softly before the black screen disappears. _You Can Stay_ instrumental starts playing.

It’s Jae, sitting in front of the camera with his usual wide malicious smile full of mischief. “ _Chan HI_ ” 

The screen changes again and now it’s YoungK. _“CHANNIIIII”_ He screams loudly, and complaints can be heard in the background at his loud voice.

“ _Chan hey_ ” Jaebum says more calmly.

“ _Bang Chan Hi_ ” Jackson says cutely. “ _Did you have to say that with aegyo?_ ” he hears Jaebum asks behind the camera.

“ _Ban Chan Hello bro_ ” Mark smiles slightly. “ _IT’S **BANG** CHAN. **BANG**_.” Jackson screams from where he can’t be seen. Mark throws him a glare. “ _I KNOW. IT’S JUST FOR GOOD OLD TIME SAKE_ ”

Chan giggles, whipping a tear from his cheek.

“ _CHRISSS_ ” Bambam screams next.

“ _Channi hey_ ” Jihyo and then it’s Jeongyeon. “ _Chan HI_ ”

Nayeon follows, her usual bright smile on her lips. “ _CHANNI HAPPY BIRTHDAY_ ” Chan can recognize YoungK’s voice screaming at her. “ _YaH THAT’S noT FAIR. YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT YET!_ ” The girl smiles wider, pulling her tongue at him.

“ _Chan hello_ ” Mina says with her usual quiet and lively voice.

And then, it’s Minho’s face who appears on the screen and Chan recognizes the background behind him as being the dorm. When had they filmed this? “ _Channi hyung HELLO_ ” This time, the frame doesn’t change, it’s Changbin who appears next to him. “ _HYUNG HI_ ” Minho pushes him away. “ _Wait for your turn_.”

Hyunjin, Felix, Jisung and Seungmin appear at the same time, sited on the floor. “ _CHANNI HYUNG HELLO_ ” they say at the same time.

“ _Why do I have to be the last one? Well the better for the last_ ” Jeongin mumbles, seemingly not noticing that the camera is rolling. “ _HYUNG Hi_ ”

The screen turns back to YoungK, this time, his face is more serious. His eyebrows are frowned in concentration. “ _I first met Chris in the practice room. He had heard me speak in English and he came excitedly toward me. He had a very heavy Australian accent and honestly Channi, I barely understood what you were saying_ ” he laughs.

“ _I met Chan the first time in the convenient store. I had ran out of money to buy a coffee and he gently paid for me_ ” Nayeon says, making everyone scream behind the camera. She giggles loudly, yelling at them to keep quiet.

“ _It was in a Korean lesson.”_ Mina smiles. “ _We both sucked in spelling. But I think I was worse. We cheated a lot behind the teacher’s back. Thank you for helping me back then Channi_ ”

Mark is sitting on a grey couch, face crunched in concentration. “ _The longest memory I have of Chan is during our trainee days obviously. He was the youngest between all of us, so we all had a kind of protective instinct toward him. I wonder if it was burdensome for him at some point?_ ”

Chan shakes his head, and it’s enough to make the first droplet of tears fall. “It wasn’t” he whispers. Mark shakes his head, as if to bring himself back to the subject at hand. “ _He was also a foreigner like us, who travelled so far away from home. I think we babied him a lot. He was our baby. He still is, even if he’s all grown up now.”_ He scoffs a laugh _. “One day, he was really homesick. So me, Jackson and Bambam decided to take him with us and sneak out of the company. We went to the Han river and then bought a cheap dinner in a small convenient store. We got scolded that day afterwards, but we still kept sneaking out after that_.”

“ _I honestly can’t remember the first time I met Chan. He seemed to always be there, running with Bambam between our feet_.” Jaebum smirks.

Bambam smiles with his usual sheepish smile. “ _I met him when I was with my mom and he was with his_ ” he breathes out a laugh. “ _We really were kids_.” 

It’s now Seungmin, but he is sitting alone this time. “ _A lot of people know this story. We were dinning somewhere and Hyung was there. He was, still is, someone with a very strong and powerful aura surrounding him that attracts people’s eyes. I wanted to be in a team with him since that day_ ” he nods.

Bambam appears when the screen changes again. “ _Chris and I were like twins. We did everything together. We ate together, fought together, cried together, laughed together, sneaked out together, got into trouble together, got scolded together, practiced together, performed together and even shared a room. We were like the Ying and the Yang. Thing1 and Thing2. Bob and Patrick. We were BamChan. It was a certitude to everyone that we would debut together. But-_ ” He looks down, but he can’t hide the way his eyes suddenly tear up. “ _Chris, I never told you, but for a long time, I felt guilty for debuting before you. Guilty for leaving you behind. It felt like I was betraying you when we made so much promises together and had so many dreams that were supposed to be achieved together_.” He lifts his eyes for a moment before he stares back down. “ _I wanted to say sorry so many times, but I couldn’t. It would have been hypocrite of me. I was happy to debut. I was living my dream while you were still struggling in those dirty and dark practice rooms. How could I bring myself to show my face to you and apologize?_ ” He looks at the camera again, this time, holding her stare. He scoffs again, and whips at his eyes. “ _Ahhh… Why am I crying? I know you went through a hard time Channi but thank you for not giving up on our dreams. On your dream. This wasn’t what we were expecting but everything turned out for the best didn’t it? You’re an amazing leader of an amazing team and I could never have asked a better group than got7. Chan-ah, we did well. You did well_ ”

The screen changes again to the next person but Chan can’t see who it is. He is sniffling and pressing tissues on his eyes, throat tight. He recognizes the next voice.

“ _I was the first member to meet Chan hyung_.” Jisung says. “ _I always held so much respect toward him. He is such an amazing hyung_.” Chan can finally see clearer as Jisung looks down at his lap. “ _I was very sensitive when I was a trainee and I think that’s why I cried so much because of him_.” He laughs. “ _I cried when he scolded me instead of another trainee when I knew him longer. I cried when he didn’t speak to me for three days because of an argument about shoes. I cried when I found him alone at night during his birthday working on music_.” He brings his sleeve to his eyes to whip his tears. “ _Maybe it’s not because I was too sensitive. Maybe it’s because I loved hyung too much. I respected and admired him more than anyone there. I wouldn’t have came this far without him_.”

Then it’s Felix, his bangs falling on his forehead, almost reaching his eyes. He looks tiny in his big yellow hoodie. “ _I always think; what would have happened to us if we didn’t have hyung? Ah… We would really have been in trouble_.”

Jihyo is smiling, eyes glitching. “ _I remember having a conversation with Chan before he debuted, when the survival show was just starting_.” She nods, seeming to be reliving the event. “ _I trained for 10years and he did for 7. So I understood what he was going through. Chan is a really strong person. I’m always so proud of him. We were talking about him as he was going through a lot with the show and the promise of debut, but he was worrying about me. He said: ‘Jihyo, it must have been lonely and exhausting, training for so long. You did well. Thank you for holding on’_.” She lifts her fingers to her eyes as if to hold the tears from falling. “ _I realized how much I wanted to hear those words._ ” Her voice is broken, and it makes Chan strangle on a sob. He brings his hand to his mouth, trying to keep himself silent. “ _That really made my heart lighter_. _I think he knew exactly what to say because that’s probably what he’s been waiting to hear for the past 7 years._ ” She forces a bright smile. “ _Chan-ah,_ _it must have been lonely and exhausting, training for so long. You did well. Thank you for holding on.”_

“ _The time Chan made my heart lighter? Isn’t there too many?”_ Jae laughs. “ _I honestly was a bully to him. We have a very big age gap, so I used to always send him to the convenient store to bring me snacks. One day, I had a very important performance that would decide if I would debut or not. Chan came to me and brought me the snack I usually sent him to buy for me. He brought it with his own money when we were all broke, let’s be honest here. I think I was able to perform well and be chosen for debut line because of Channi. I was able to perform with a lighter heart thanks to him_.”

Minho shows up then, " _Chan Hyung always makes my heart lighter. When he's producing music for us, when he coolly talks in English when we are in Australia or the USA, when he comes home in the early hours of the morning because he spent the whole night working. He's someone I'm really comfortable with. I'm glad we have him as a leader and a hyung_ " he presses his lips, looking at nothing in particular and nodding, as if thinking.

Changbin has a shy smile on his face. " _There's a clip of it, the last episode of the9th when Chan hyung gave us letters. I said this in two kids + 1 room already, but I didn't cry because the letter in itself was sad but because I felt bad. Chan hyung worked so hard for us and I was still causing trouble and acting like a child. He was thanking us for debuting with him when it should have been the opposite. I think hyung is too good and perfect for us seriously_ " Changbin finishes, pressing his palms against his eyes.

The video leaves the dorm and is back to JYP. It's Jeongyeon speaking now. " _One day, I was going through a really hard time. He met me in the company and - was it because he's a leader and trained himself to decipher his members facial expressions? - But he immediately figured out that something was not right with me. He didn't try to push me to talk. He just offered me a coffee and a cake in the cafeteria. I was really grateful. That day, my heart was definitely lighter_ "

All the previous cuteness is gone from Jackson's face when he emerges on the screen again. He is serious this time. " _Channi always shows so push strength and kindness. Whatever it's on stage, with his members or the staff. I'm so proud at all the way he came through. Chris, don't forget, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And you are one of the strongest people I know_."

The camera goes back to the dorm and it's now Hyunjin. " _I always want to improve for Hyung. For the fans and the team as well of course, but Hyung made me want to grow quickly. I hope that I can take off some responsibility from his shoulders and help him._ " He looks down and smiles before his eyes are on the camera again. " _Hyung, I'll become someone you can be proud of._ "

Jeongin is widely smiling when he appears. " _I was really a kid when I met Hyung, and now I'm an adult. I feel like he really helped me grow_." he pauses for a second. " _In one of the episodes in our debut album, Hyung said that I was like a blank piece of paper with a dot in the middle of it. That he wanted to draw beautiful things from it._ " He nods, seeming lost for a second before his attention snap back to the camera. " _I think thanks to hyung, I can now show a beautiful side to me. There’s still so many aspects to still improve in, but with Hyung by my side, it feels like nothing is impossible."_ A second later, Hyunjin is jumping on Jeongin, screaming about how cute he is. Seungmin pops in the screen next, seemingly just to pinch the youngest’s cheeks. Then, it’s Jisung and Minho and soon enough, all seven members are in front of the camera. Minho counts down quietly, and when he reaches one, everyone starts screaming. “ _HYUNG. HAPPY BIRTHDAY”_

The screen goes black for a second before it goes bright again. Jihyo is in the center, her arms wrapped around Jeongyeon, Mina and Nayeon. On their right side is Jae, YoungK and Mark and on their left is Jackson, Bambam and Jaebum. “ _HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHANNI_ ” they scream. Jaebum talks next. “ _I think you should be proud of Felix. He really did such a good job._ ” Everyone agrees loudly and you can faintly hear Felix behind the camera disagreeing. It quietens down when Jaebum speaks again. “ _We must have looked intimidating to him. But he still came towards us and asked us to do this. And I’m sure he’s gonna work really hard to edit all of this. It’s embarrassing for us that a hoobae and dongsaeng is smarter and more thoughtful than all of us combined_.” They all scream and laugh before the screen goes black, this time, for the last time.

Chan pulls out more tissues, all going straight to his eyes. There’s no mirror around but he knows they are red. He hiccups, trying to keep the cries inside. His nose is running and so are the tears and he might look like a mess because he feels like one at least. His throat is constricted, and he can feel his ears turning bright red. Is that how it felt to feel special? Chan felt special. And somehow, the overflowing love and attention bubbling in his chest didn’t feel burdensome. He felt… lighter.

He unplugs the flash drive, and safely put it back inside the photo album. He leaves it on the couch, with all the juices boxes and small gifts he had collected.

Chan looks around him, just to make sure that he hadn’t waken up anyone by mistake. The light in the kitchen is still on and it catches his eyes. He slowly approaches it.

Felix has his head rested on his left arm, seemingly fast asleep on the small kitchen’s table. There’s floor on the tip of his nose and his lips are slightly parted open. There’s a chocolate cake in front of him, and by the look of it, it’s homemade. There’s another wave of tears shaking Chan’s body, but he doesn’t allow the tears to fall just yet. He pulls the chair out of under the table and sits in front of Felix.

He gently grabs his hands in his.

It suddenly all makes sense now. The dark circles under his eyes, the long hours at night in front of his laptop, the early wake up, the late sleep, why he had asked the editing team to borrow their computer. 

How hard and long did he work to prepare all of this?

There’s a sob scratching his throat and he can’t stop it in time. The first cry echoes loud in the too silent dorm. 

Felix wakes up in a startle, eyebrows frowned before they focus on his leader in front of him, heads lowered down and tears falling regularly on the wooden table. The younger Australian squeezes Chan’s hands and leans forward. “Hyung? Hyung what’s wrong? What’s going on? What happened? Are you hurt?” 

And if Chan started loudly crying like a baby and woke up the whole dorm, _heck_ the whole building, well then, the managers don’t have to know about it.

Felix might also have started filming him and sent the video to Nayeon, but Chan will know about that only the next morning, when literally all JYP nation groups start crowding him and teasing him about it. Even the ones who weren’t on the video.

And maybe Chan looks a little bit forward to his next birthday.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, that was longer than planned. 
> 
> Hope you guys liked it, comments are always so much appreciated hehe 
> 
> See Ya!


End file.
